What Ted Lasso Can Teach EMDR Therapists About Co-Regulation
What Ted Lasso Can Teach EMDR Therapists About Co-Regulation
One of the most clinically interesting moments in the current season of Ted Lasso happens when Alice becomes overwhelmed after Gemma's injury and the possibility that she may not return to the team.
Alice tries to hold it together. She eventually leaves, and Ted finds her crying.
And here's what makes the scene so powerful for therapists and why myself, in addition to other therapists are writing about it::
Ted doesn't try to make her feel better.
He doesn't give her a pep talk.
He doesn't tell her everything will be okay.
He doesn't immediately offer a solution.
He doesn't turn the moment into a lesson.
He stays.
He breathes.
And eventually, Alice begins to breathe with him.
It's a remarkably simple depiction of co-regulation—the process through which our nervous systems can become more regulated in the presence of another regulated, attuned person.
For EMDR therapists, there is a lot to unpack here.
Co-regulation is not the same thing as calming someone down
This distinction matters.
When a client is distressed, our first impulse can be to make the distress stop.
We reassure.
We explain.
We normalize.
We offer a resource.
We ask another question.
We reach for an interweave.
We try to get the client back to baseline.
Sometimes those interventions are clinically appropriate.
But sometimes the client's nervous system doesn't need us to make the feeling go away.
It needs to experience the feeling in the presence of someone who can stay with it.
That's a different therapeutic task.
A client who has experienced trauma may have learned that intense emotion is dangerous, unacceptable, or something they have to manage alone.
They may have learned:
Don't cry.
Don't be angry.
Don't need too much.
Don't make other people uncomfortable.
Get yourself together.
Make everyone else okay.
So when they become activated in therapy, the experience of a therapist who can remain grounded and connected can itself become meaningful.
The therapist's regulated presence communicates something that doesn't necessarily need to be said out loud:
You can feel this, and I can stay. You aren’t too much. I’m with you.
This Is Particularly Important in EMDR
EMDR therapists sometimes focus so intensely on what to do next that we can miss what is already happening between therapist and client.
The client becomes tearful.
They look away.
Their breathing changes.
They become angry.
They say, "I don't know."
They suddenly feel overwhelmed.
And our therapist brain starts going:
What do I do?
Is this a block?
Do I need an interweave?
Should I stop?
Do I need to resource?
Did I move too quickly?
Am I doing this right?
That clinical thinking is important.
But before immediately doing something, we can also ask:
Can I stay regulated enough to be with the client in this moment?
Because our own urgency can become part of the interaction.
If the therapist becomes anxious when the client becomes anxious, the client may receive an implicit message that their emotional state is too much.
If the therapist becomes uncomfortable with tears and immediately redirects, the client may learn that sadness needs to be stopped.
If the therapist rushes to reassure, the client may miss the opportunity to discover:
"I can actually survive this feeling."
Co-regulation doesn't mean doing nothing.
It means using our presence intentionally before deciding what intervention is needed.
The Therapist's Nervous System Is Part of the Clinical Environment
This is one reason therapist self-awareness matters so much in trauma therapy.
We are not neutral observers sitting outside the client's nervous system.
Our tone, pace, facial expression, breathing, body posture, attention, and level of urgency all contribute to the therapeutic environment.
That doesn't mean we have to be perfectly regulated.
Please let that idea go immediately.
Therapists are human.
We get activated.
We worry.
We second-guess ourselves.
We have our own parts that just love to show up in session.
The goal isn't to become a therapist who never gets anxious. Are you even a therapist if you don’t struggle with anxiety yourself?
The goal is to notice when our own activation is starting to drive the session.
For example:
A client becomes distressed and a therapist part says:
"I need to fix this."
A client becomes angry and another part says:
"I've done something wrong."
Processing slows down and a perfectionistic part says:
"I'm not doing EMDR correctly."
The client says, "Nothing is happening," and an anxious part says:
"I need to make something happen."
Those moments are opportunities for therapist awareness.
Before responding, we can pause.
Breathe.
Notice.
Get curious.
What is happening in me right now?
And then:
What does the client actually need from me?
Those two questions are not always answered the same way.
Co-Regulation and the Difference Between Presence and Rescue
This is where I think the Ted Lasso example is particularly useful.
Ted cares deeply about Alice.
But he doesn't rescue her from the emotion.
He doesn't require her to stop crying before he can stay connected to her.
That's an important distinction for therapists.
Presence says:
"I'm here with you while this is happening."
Rescue says:
"I'm going to make this stop happening."
There is certainly a place for helping a client regulate when they are outside their window of tolerance. Safety, stabilization, orientation, grounding, and resourcing are important parts of trauma treatment.
But regulation doesn't always mean reducing emotional intensity as quickly as possible.
Sometimes regulation means helping the client experience:
I can be here.
I can feel this.
I don't have to disappear.
Someone can be with me while I feel it.
The feeling can change without me having to force it to change.
That's a very different experience from being taught that difficult emotions must immediately be controlled.
What About EMDR Reprocessing?
This becomes particularly relevant during EMDR reprocessing.
When a client encounters distressing material, our job isn't necessarily to eliminate distress the moment it appears.
We are watching.
We are tracking.
We are assessing.
We are staying attuned.
We are considering whether processing is continuing, whether the client is maintaining dual awareness, and whether an intervention is actually needed.
Sometimes the most sophisticated intervention is not an interweave.
Sometimes it is the therapist's ability to stay present without becoming reactive.
That doesn't mean "just let the client suffer."
It means we're distinguishing between:
productive emotional activation within a client's capacity to remain engaged
and
activation that indicates the client needs additional support, stabilization, or a change in approach.
That distinction requires clinical judgment.
And clinical judgment gets easier when we aren't simultaneously trying to manage our own anxiety about whether we're doing EMDR "right."
A Useful Question for EMDR Therapists
The next time a client becomes emotional, try noticing your first impulse.
Do you want to:
reassure?
explain?
distract?
fix?
offer an intervention?
make the emotion smaller?
get the client "back on track"?
Then pause.
Ask yourself:
"Can I stay with this for a moment before I decide what to do?"
That pause can create space for both therapist and client.
And sometimes that space is where the work happens.
And There Is an IFS Connection Here, Too
For clinicians who use IFS or an IFS-informed approach, co-regulation also gives us another way to think about protective parts.
A client's "I'm fine" part may be trying desperately to keep them from feeling overwhelmed.
Their intellectualizing part may be trying to create distance from painful emotions.
Their people-pleasing part may be monitoring the therapist's reaction and thinking:
"Are they okay with me being this upset?"
Instead of trying to get rid of these responses, we can become curious about them.
What is this part afraid would happen if the client stayed with the feeling?
And as therapists, we can model something different:
"You don't have to take care of my feelings while you're having yours."
"We can slow down."
"I'm still here."
That can be profoundly different from what many clients have experienced in relationships.
The Bigger Lesson for EMDR Therapists
The current season of Ted Lasso gives us a beautiful reminder that connection doesn't always require words.
Sometimes the therapeutic intervention is the absence of urgency.
Sometimes the client doesn't need more insight.
Sometimes they don't need another coping skill.
Sometimes they need to discover that they can have a big feeling while another person remains steady, connected, and emotionally available.
And as therapists, that asks something of us.
Not perfection.
Not endless calm.
Not the ability to know exactly what to do every time.
It asks us to notice ourselves.
To recognize when our own protective parts are activated.
To tolerate some uncertainty.
To trust the client's process when appropriate.
And to remember that being present is an intervention, too.
Ted's evolution is particularly interesting here because his optimism has sometimes functioned as a way of moving away from painful emotions. In this moment, he demonstrates something different: connection without fixing.
And maybe that's part of the lesson for us as EMDR therapists, too.
We don't always have to help our clients feel better. Sometimes we need to help them feel less alone while they feel what they feel.
Bring Your Cases to Consultation
You also need a place to say:
“Here's what's happening with my client. Here's what I've tried. And now I'm stuck.”
That's what our Drop-In EMDR Consultation Group is for.
Bring the complicated case. The stuck processing. The target you're questioning. The interweave you're unsure about. The client who isn't responding the way you expected.
You don't have to have your question perfectly figured out before you come.
And because I want consultation to be accessible to EMDR therapists at different stages of their careers, the Drop-In Consultation Group uses tiered pricing: $15, $35, or $50.
Same group. Same consultation. You choose the tier that works for you.
Whether you want to deepen your EMDR knowledge through training, get support with your actual cases through consultation, or do both, the goal is the same:
To help you feel more confident thinking clinically—not just following the protocol.
Confidence Happens in the Lab.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a therapist's role in co-regulation?
A therapist can support co-regulation through attunement, a steady tone, appropriate pacing, and responsiveness to the client's emotional state. This involves monitoring the client's capacity to remain present while also noticing the therapist's own emotional responses.
How does co-regulation relate to EMDR therapy?
Co-regulation can support the therapeutic conditions in which EMDR takes place. During preparation and reprocessing, therapists assess the client's readiness, emotional activation, dual awareness, and need for additional support rather than assuming that every increase in distress requires the same intervention.
How can therapists avoid rescuing clients during trauma therapy?
Therapists can pause to assess whether an intervention is clinically indicated or whether their own discomfort with the client's distress is creating urgency. Remaining present does not mean withholding necessary support; it means choosing interventions based on the client's needs rather than an automatic impulse to make difficult emotions disappear.
Ready to Build Confidence That Feels Grounded?
EMDR Confidence Lab is consultation for trauma therapists who want:
✓ clinical clarity
✓ nuanced case conceptualization
✓ support with stuck processing
✓ confidence with dissociation and attachment work
✓ thoughtful, relational consultation
✓ real skill development, not rote protocol